


Hopeless

by chrissy2



Category: R5 (Band)
Genre: Brotherly Love, M/M, Stage Anxiety, The Lynch Sibling Bond, lots of angsty angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-06
Updated: 2017-08-06
Packaged: 2018-12-10 09:38:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11688954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chrissy2/pseuds/chrissy2
Summary: It has always been Riker's job to take care of his younger siblings.





	Hopeless

**Author's Note:**

> I own nothing, this doesn't happen and I get no money. Don't send this to R5. I don't think they would like it.

**I**

_The 2000s are hormonal and hypersensitive, and by the end of the decade, there are some acting roles and a band, leading to a schedule so busy and so fun, so soul-riding - it is the highlight of their entire lives._

_Of course, the popularity dies down, and so will everything else, but it was a life worth living. All of it._

_Riker knew that even **those** times would end eventually._

_The 'I need you' and the 'hold me' and the 'you're the only one for me'._

 

**II**

Ross, out of the five siblings, had been unique in one way: He was a big romantic and whether or not he was okay with being demonstrative about it, and he usually was, he _needed_ affection. He _craved_ that with other human beings: Friendship, kinship, romance, that sense of peace and community. He needed it all. 

And as much as Ross needed human interaction and to be demonstrative as much as he needed food and water, everyone else around him _needed_ his warmth and affection. Ross' love in the Lynch family made their world go round, as much as Rydel's outgoingness, Riker's strength, Rocky's mellow personality and Ryland being - well - being Ryland.

They were all a chain and one could not go weak.

 

**III**

Their mother had done right to have them all born together. That way they had to learn how to share things and, at least for the most part, they were able to see eye to eye. The constant travelling and road trips and events they did as children and all the while being homeschooled together, it somehow was all easier to bare with so many siblings -

In despite of the growing realization of their detachment.

In despite of their privilege.

In despite of their growing sense of loneliness and ultimately having a dependence on each other. 

Their bond grew to be unlike any other. But of course, their first few years were pretty bumpy.

 

**IV**

Riker and Rydel shared the same space up until Rydel _demanded_ to have her own space and became something of a little princess for a while. It was _her_ favorite toy that they drove the entire two hours back to retrieve when she left it at a hotel. It was _her_ annoyance of Ryland that led to Mama Lynch tossing his DS out the car window as a way of ending their fight. _She_ got the front space of the van during road trips.

Riker and Rocky hit it off really well since the very beginning. When your birthdays are very close together, it means something _big_  to a four-year-old. It's like Rocky was _meant_ to be his brother, like the stars were all aligned and they were meant to watch each other's backs and fight the world together. In this case, _fighting the world together_ meant pestering their little princess sister as much as possible. (Even if Rocky was barely a year old in the beginning. You'd be amazed what a one-year-old can do.) It did seem a little unfair for the only girl to have certain privileges.

(Riker couldn't help but imagine them as the three kittens from _The Aristocats:_

_Why should **you** go first?_

_Cause **I'm** a lady, that's why!_

_You're not a lady. You're nothing but a sister!)_

Riker and Rocky pestered the crap out of Rydel up until Mama Lynch, someone who really hated clichés and stereotypes and people being divided, had enough of it. (Which was humorous to Riker and Rocky, as it was them giving Rydel her own space and own things that started it in the first place.)

 

**V**

But then little Ross was born, and the pestering came to a halt. (It didn't completely stop, but it was less.) 

Now with two very young, very small, very vulnerable brothers, Riker (4) and Rydel (2) started working together and assumed the roles of Mama and Daddy when their own parents were busy, bathing them, making sure they didn't choke while they ate, tried to soothe them when they started teething, helped clean up after them.

The two baby brothers were a lot more - mellow - than the two passionate and headstrong Riker and Rydel.

Their level of emotional security was different, however. Rocky was okay with physical affection, but after a bit, he became a _touch me not_ and loved hanging out and playing with his toys, reading by himself in the privacy of his closet. Ross, however, constantly wanted someone holding him. He _craved_ hugs and kisses and baby talk. He always needed someone to talk to him and play with him, to which Riker and Rydel took turns doing.

Riker ended up sharing his affections the most due to the boys sharing the same spaces and all that. Sometimes Riker would stand by Ross' crib until he fell asleep, help with keeping him quiet for Mama and Daddy Lynch so they could get some sleep. Caring for four kids wasn't easy, after all.

He'd watch in amazement as Ross' little chest rose and fell and it was here Riker started thinking about the mysteries of life.

 

**VI**

Of course, when the two brothers started walking and talking, the madness came back around for a while, running and screaming around the house, playing _house_ and _school_ (well, from what they saw on TV) and _pirates_ 24/7, watching the same movies over and over again and assuming the roles of their favorite characters, trying to read each other's journals.

Ross did not start becoming more of a quiet thinker until he became a preteen, and puberty shaped him into somewhat of a moody individual. And kind of effeminate. He _loved_ the 1960's film adaptation of _Romeo & Juliet _and seemed to be in love with love, even if he didn't show it.He became enamored with the idea of having a soulmate and how magical love was.

 

**VII**

It went smoothly until Ryland was born. The cute little bastard. And the rows were worse than they had ever been. Mama and Daddy Lynch _thought_ their two eldest were bad. He was their Loki, their troublemaker: If something was stolen or broken or used up, it was more than likely Ryland's doing. If there was someone who tried to avoid lessons or was the biggest distraction  _during_ lessons, it was more than likely Ryland. The sibling to steal your girlfriend or kiss them behind your back? Ryland.

But that little shit fucking _owned_ being their troublemaker. He did what he wanted, even if that meant getting him in trouble.

 

**VIII**

And it is with puberty that comes the first deep lows, the deep realities of life.

Rydel started her _girl things_ and when she and Riker had rows, they were intense. Riker became more insecure about his looks, Rocky became more withdrawn, Ryland started sneaking out more and Ross' obsession with love was so bad that there were times it was like he was going to die of lovesickness.

Then there came the reality of public schooling. Sometimes they wanted to go to school like most kids, like normal kids. Then they learned how _mean_ a lot of public schoolers seemed to be. Jealous kids would ask them detailed questions about sex to throw off their "home-schooled naivety", ask them if their parents were Mormon or Catholic, if their parents really loved them for giving them all names that started with an "r".

 

**IX**

Their puberty troubles took a turn on one day in particular, when Ross started having crying episodes.

When they asked what was wrong, he spouted about how they all used to be so close and now they weren't anymore and that it was breaking his heart.

And with that, a switch went off in Riker's brain, and it appeared to be the same with Rydel. It had always been his job to take care of his younger siblings, to set an example for them. It took a bit for them to drag Ryland back into the tight circle that they had, what with him sneaking out and being gone for hours, days at a time. But the little shit eventually came around. Come to think of it, Ryland was probably the strongest out of them all. His own little episodes could get bad, but his amazing sense of humor and jest for life kept him and the others going. 

Just for Ross, Riker and Rydel learned to overcome their differences and mix one very big trait they _did_ have in common: Ambition.

 

**X**

_"I think I love you."_

_"Ross..."_

_"I don't know why I - It just - "_

_"Listen - "_

_"Forget what I said - "_

_"I'm not mad at you. Don't worry. Why do you think you feel that way?"_

_"Think? I know! I've never felt this way before, about anyone."_

_"You're still young - "_

_"So are you."_

_"That's true. I am still young."_

_"I'm not confused. It's not the same as the love I have for mom and dad. Not for our siblings."_

Riker tried his best not to belittle Ross. He remembered having infatuations in his teens and he remembered how _strong_ those feelings were, how _real_ it all felt. He also remembered how enraged he was when such expressions were ridiculed by adults, not taken seriously.

Riker tried new words: _"I love you very, very much."_

Riker tried to mask his hurt as much as possible. It hurt to watch his brother struggle with such emotions. It hurt to watch the tiny baby he held in his arms be consumed by such confusion and shame. But Riker was never good at masking his emotions. He was passionate inside and out: He laughed until he cried and scowled fiercely. It had always been that way.

Ross could see the hurt in his older brother's eyes as he said that, and he choked, _"Not the same way I love you."_

Then Ross turned away and cried a river.

Riker could only wrap his arms around him and hold him close, feel his tears soak up his shirt and pet his hair.

 _"God, I'm so embarrassed."_ Ross huffed with laughter of disbelief in his arms.

And Riker could only shake his head, tears filling up his eyes as well: _"Don't be. What you're feeling is a wonderful thing. It's beautiful."_ He started shaking with laughter as well. _"You're making me cry too."_

They cried together for a bit, then Riker loosen his wrap around Ross and cupped the younger boy's face in his hands to lift his head up and force him to look at him. _"I'm glad you told me. It's good to talk things out."_

 _"Yeah."_ Ross had cried so much that all that anxiety that he had been bottling up for god knows how long was finally gone. He seemed refreshed, but also numb.

_"How long have you felt this way?"_

Ross reaches up to caress one of the hands cupping his face and he looks downward. _"I don't know."_ John Lennon was right: You don't ever really remember how you _start_  falling in love.  _"I'm really tired."_

Riker nodded. _"Me too."_

What happened next was too surreal. Ross looked straight into his eyes and it was like they were floating out in the milky way, all sound cut off and all thought melted away. It sounds retarded, but it's true. It's just like in the movies. Everything is in slow motion. Everything seems magical. Suddenly, every single one of those generic pop songs made complete sense.

Moments later, Riker found himself on his back in bed, Ross' body against his own, holding him down and tenderly kissing him. He has no memory of leaning back or responding in any way, maybe just an adjustment to give Ross more access. Ross would tell him in the future of how he wrapped his arms around him, showing how much he wanted it, but Riker honestly did not remember that part. Ross would use this against Riker in future moments of anger, when Riker would dare try to cut the trysts off.

But he did remember the sounds. He remembered the sighs. He remembered the warmth he felt.

And he remembered Rocky suddenly stepping up to the bedroom door, Ross jumping away from him.

 

**XI**

Of course, he eventually told Rocky what really happened. Riker felt he could trust Rocky to understand, more than Rydel or Ryland or their parents would have. (The whole 'them sharing rooms for years and Rocky talking in his sleep' was very real. They bonded even when Rocky was asleep. They had full-on conversations.) Rydel herself was in love with love, but with conventional love. He wasn't so sure how she would view gays or - more than that. Same with Ryland. And their parents: They were lively and claimed to be open-minded, but he didn't know if they were even liberal enough for something like this. They weren't particularly religious or anything, but the neighborhoods they grew up in would be modeled after a neighborhood in say -  _Leave It To Beaver._  

 _"Oh..."_ Rocky bites and bottom lip and looks down, awkwardly.

_"Yeah."_

_"Well, if you're in love, you're in love. You can't help it."_

_"I don't think it's love,"_ Riker objected.

Rocky raised his eyebrows. _"Why not?"_

_"I think it's just a crush."_

_"Well, I guess we'll just have to let it pass, then. Or, you know, go through with it. You can't switch something like that off, especially for Ross."_

_"No. But maybe he can channel it in some way."_

_"How?"_

 

**XII**

The phrases after are a bit more harsh:

_I hate you!_

_How could I ever love you!_

_You did this to me, you bastard!_

Whenever Ross got particularly upset, sometimes he'd write a script for a music video that demanded a new, hot young actress as his fake love interest and date her in the end, holding her close and feeling her up to shoot those vengeful eyes over her shoulder at Riker. 

Sometimes it worked. Sometimes.

Then a month or two later, the date would storm away and break up with Ross out in the open, usually at night, where suspicious thoughts are the most powerful, with Rydel usually hearing the arguments first and running up to the scene:  _"What the hell is going on!"_

After the break ups, it's Rocky that takes Ross under his wing for a week or two, making him laugh and helping him channel and produce his little brother's pain through poetry.

 

**XIII**

Riker wonders when it will all stop.

But the thing is is that it might not, ever. And he does not know if that makes it beautiful, bittersweet, or pure agony.

 

**XIV**

_And now they find themselves back here: Floating in the milky way, all sound cut off and thought melted away. It is just him and Ross._

_The pain of the break up comes back full throttle and it is enough to make Ross nearly have a breakdown before a concert. **"I can't do it anymore, Rike. I'm sorry. I can't anymore."**_

_Rocky leads them to an empty dressing room and guards the door._

_They have never actually fucked. Riker had always been too scared to. He was afraid he would hurt Ross. It's just lips and hands. But oh god, it's so good._

**_"I'm so sorry, Rike. I only did that to hurt you. I did that make you jealous. I'm so stupid. I love you. I won't love anyone more."_ **

_It is times like this Riker is stuck. He is madly, truly, deeply._

_Hopelessly._


End file.
